Banjo, a longtime pipe smoker, recited his creation from memory at Lily’s birthday dinner.
PURIFIED SANTA by Billy Hamilton (c) 2003 (pass it on)
‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through the manse,
The purification of air was enhanced.
The filters were nestled all snug in their trays
While the ventless gas fireplace made a clean blaze.
The stocking were draped on the sofa with care
Because the old chimney was no longer there.
The tree artificial with children-safe lights
Gave no allergenics to mess up our nights.
The rodent repeller with ultrasound screech
Made sure that no mouse had yet conquered the breach.
Mama in her kerchief and I in my truss
Had just settled down for a nap just for us,
When up on the roof there arose such a ruckus,
I went to see who could be trying to ———!!
And up on the roof I beheld a fat man
Whose belly’s as big as the Land of Japan;
“Ho ho” said the fat man all lively and quick,
I could tell at a glance that he must be a ——-!
“Oh, where is your chimney, kind mister?” he asked.
I said “We’ve no chimney, we did in the past,
But now that clean gas logs have come into view,
We closed up the chimney and threw out the flu.”
“Well, how can I bring these nice presents inside?”
said the man who was fat in a tone that was snide.
I saw that a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke, it encircled a dangerous wreath.
So I said to St. Nicholas, “You must be joking!!
You never can come in the house while you’re smoking!!”
The fat man just stopped and looked down from the roof,
And he said, “If you feel that way, I’ll just go poof!!”
So laying a finger inside of his nose,
And giving a nod, to the heavens he rose,
But I heard him exclaim ere he drove out of sight,
“My matches are gone, SOMEONE GIVE ME A LIGHT!!!”